The Case of the Missing HRG
by throughtheforests
Summary: WARNING: This one's a silly fic. Noah, Sylar, Lyle crack!fic HRG loses his HRG, and has to set out on a quest to find them. Meanwhile, his son Lyle feels ignored and lonely, and tries to help out his dad, as well as an unwanted helper.Strong language.
1. Chapter 1

Noah stared at the bar counter of the Company through the dimly lit room that represented a dark bar of gloom, which (the boss guy) thought was a good investment since Noah liked to get plastered (and secretly he liked to snicker at him when he wasn't watching. Noah was quite funny when drunk. Especially that time he started singing "I Will Survive" on the table and shot some guy), a glass of whiskey beside him and many more empty at his other side.

Bennett took a swig of his glass, and breathed out in a gasp, not the kind of gasp of satisfaction when taking a nice drink, but the lost, desperate gasp of someone who wants the alcohol to erase bad memories, but for some reason their boss replaces all the alcohol with water to snicker at him in the background while he tries to get himself drunk.

"Dammit…" sighed Noah, who in reality thought he was drunk, and couldn't understand why everything was so clear. He shrugged; it must be the shock.

"Hard times?" asked a friendly voice from his side. Noah didn't bother looking. He knew who it was.

"Go (insert choice of vulgar words here) yourself." There was a slight pause, and the disappointment in the air was almost tangible.

"WELL!" said the voice loudly and cheerfully, as if to hide its own sadness. "I THINK WE SHOULD GO OUT DRINKING TOGETHER, CAUSE' THIS IS JUST WATER YOU DAMN FOOL!" that last part was in spite.

"What?" squeaked Noah. First there was shock. Next there was a deep anger towards who had ever cheated him out of this. He frowned, and made a mental note to pick up his Terminator glasses and hunt down whoever it was. With a big gun. Noah loved guns. He smiled darkly at the thought, cheering him up.

"That's alright, though! We can both go together, eh, Partner?!" Noah turned to look at the man beside him, slipping on his Terminator glasses.

"STFU, Sylar. I'm going to go find what I've lost." Sylar swivelled in his seat, looking at the Company Man with widened eyes.

"…and what would that be?" Noah paused dramatically in the opening of the door, facing away, the only thing visible of him the shadow of his back. Slowly he turned his head around and muttered over his shoulder,

"My HRG." He loaded his gun.

-------------

Lyle stood waiting at the door.

"HEY DAD!!!!!!!" he screamed when Noah walked in the door. Noah walked straight in the door, his shirt, hands and face covered in blood, and passed right passed his son, without even a glance. Lyle followed him to the kitchen.

"So how was your day?" Noah ignored him, cleaning off his face and his gun. He switched tactics. "So I heard you got shot today. Did it hurt much?" Noah pointedly ignored him. _Hm. I guess the getting shot thing is kind of old._ he thought.

"So I heard Claire died the other day? You know, why wasn't I invited to go see her?" Still nothing. He began to get frustrated. "Um, Dad! I'm talking to you! Why don't you ever see me? Why don't you ever pretend to at least _care_ about my football team?" he said loudly. He paused, staring at his father who was obliviously cleaning off his gun. "All you care about…no, all you've ever cared about is Claire. You know, I'm your child too!" he hit his fist on the table in anger and ran out of the room.

Claire walked through the door.

"CLAIRE BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" *glomps*

------------------

It was the end of the day, and Noah stood outside. He had had to pretend to his family that everything was alright, that he hadn't actually lost his HRG…if they knew, they would all be in hysterics. His HRG were the most important thing after his daughter, his wife, and…. he frowned. Wasn't there something else important? ….nope. That was it. And now the HRG was gone. His life meant about absolutely nothing.

Those glasses had been with him his whole life. They had protected his eyes from many things and made him super easy to distinguish in a crowd. They also made him look slightly psychotic, which was good since that was what he was aiming for.


	2. Chapter 2

"Stop!" Noah commanded, pointing at the culprit, the thief, the one who had stolen his glasses. "I _know_ what you've done." The whole thing was quite dramatic. And then he added gallantly, like a majestic steed, with such noble grace that it just blew your mind…except for it was NOTHING like that because compared to Noah, it SUCKED. "Also that outfit is terrible." The criminal paused, looking himself up and down.

"This?" he asked in a small voice. Really he was wearing a normal outfit with a mask for his eyes.

"Seriously. It's like a crime against fashion." the criminal gave him a sceptical look. "Actually I know quite a lot about fashion. It's called being BADASS, which consists of a leather jacket and Terminator glasses. Now shut up you culprit/prisoner escapist guy who would look better if your mother dressed you and tell me where you put my HRG!"

"Oh god," the criminal said, shaking in his boots. "No, please! Spare me! I—" he paused, looking at Bennett quizzically. "Did you just underline that last word?" Noah shrugged complacently.

"_Twice_." he said. The criminal gave a girly scream of horror. "Now, give me back my---"

"OK! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" said the villain, ripping off the mask that covered his eyes, revealing it to be Sylar with a big grin.

"omfg…" Noah said, depressed, FACEPALMING his face in defeat. "Sylar, what are you doing?"

"Well you looked _sooo_ depressed over there in the bar, I thought I'd like, cheer you up by pretending to be the man that stole your glasses!"

**BAM!**

"Yeah well I thought I'd just pretend to shoot you." Noah said aggrevatedly.

"Um, actually, you really did shoot me…ah, what a bitch!" Sylar said, also FACEPALMING.

"Oh, sorry, let me try to pretend again," Noah said, lining up his (finger) gun.

"This is fun and all, but really you're not paying to the mission at hand." said a wise voice.

"WHO IS THERE?" cried Noah.

"Yeah, um, it's Lyle." said his son by his side. "I've been here the whole time. And I knew it was Sylar, it was FAIRLY OBVIOUS. I mean, just look at those sybrows. They're CREEPY!"

"WHO THE HELL IS KYLE?"

"I'm your _son_!" the boy said, sounding exasperated and depressed as if it had been a sadness building up for years because his father DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE HIM.

"I have no son." Noah said, putting emphasis on every word except the word son because he has none. Then something flashed in his eyes. "Unless Claire…"

"I sense something about this boy," Sylar said creeptasticaly. He pointed at him and suddenly there was a loud screeching noise as blood ran down Lyle's forehead. Then suddenly Noah exclaimed in realization and surprise,

"HOMG NO WAYZ!"

"What?" asked both of them in chorus, a strange scene with Sylar now clasping the boy by the neck and both of them with the same curious expression, even though Lyle was being murdered.

"OMG I JUST READ THIS," he said, pointing at a passage in a book. Sylar and Lyle looked at it.

THE BIBLE

God: Jesus, I _am_ your father.

"SPOILERS!! Jesus dies. And then the best part is when he comes back and then the angel Gabriel saves the day with his jet black hair and skillz and the power of a thousand men!!!! and a small child."

"Anyway, we should get back to finding your HRG! And why are you reading the bible?"

"Well young boy I have never met, the bible has taught me many things in the last few seconds I have read it. It also revealed to me the location of the HRGs."

"No way." Lyle said.

"STFU, it's right there." Noah said, motioning with his gun.

Ten Commandments of Noah

Thou shalt blow things up with thy gun.

Protect Clairebear.

Protect Clairebear.

Protect Clairebear.

Protect Clairebear.

Thou shalt skip to the last commandment.

Go find your goddamn HRG from the guy with the answers.

"Oh! I know this one!" said a voice. Everyone turned to see Elle, jumping up and down with a raised hand. "OK! I know it I know it I know it I---"

"Shut up or I'll split open that pretty head of yours!" Sylar yelled. Elle's eyes filled with water as she began to sob ungracefully.

"I MADE YOU PEACH PIE, GABRIEL. PEACH PIE!!"

"Oh god…like I didn't have enough crazy people around…" Noah wished very much people would just die like they used to in the old days, when you shot them and that was it. Now they came back from the grave and cried about peaches. Lyle was amazed. It seemed for the first time he was sharing a moment with his father. He gazed up at the man, standing in the sunlight, shaking his head slowly in disgust. His name was Justice. Justice Bennet. Ok, well maybe not but he was cool. Lyle spoke up.

"Do you at least like having me around?" he asked, his voice full of hope.

"Ummmmm." Noah hummed, thinking and also taking his eyes away from Sylar and Elle who were bitchslapping each other. "No, I don't think I do. I don't even know who you are, you mysterious blonde boy."

"Urgh! You suck so much, Dad! Know what? I wish I could go to a place where everyone loves Lyle, and where he gets more than like 5 seconds of screen time and is actually considered a character and where no fathers are allowed except one day a year and its called SUCKISH DAY because you would be there and it would SUCK! And also all the children would be called Lyle. And they would all play _football_ and be really bad _drivers_!" And with that he rushed off in a wild frenzy.

Noah turned his attention back to the new arrival Elle and Sylar but really didn't "turn his attention" back because he hadn't registered a thing the boy had said.

"Now, now, this is no time for fighting like sissies," Noah chided.

Pause.

"CHOOOSE YOUR WEAPON!!!!!!!!!!" Noah opened his coat, revealing weapons on both sides such as maces and other kinds of extraordinary things. (WTF how did he get all that in there?!?11)


	3. Chapter 3

But instead of choosing a weapon, Elle was staring down at Sylar with big eyes, who was lying on the ground twitching and had been fried to a crisp.

"I tried…the empathy thing…but then the fangirls were like….hell…no…" Sylar coughed weakly. Elle pouted.

"I thought this was going to be an adventure."

"Well, yeah, it's going to be. We just have to find some more people to help us, and a lead…I always have a lead of some sort…" he paused thoughtfully.

"Oh!" Elle exclaimed, seemingly remembering something. "I remember now! OK, so remember that little boy that Mohinder met in his dreams? I think he has the answers!"

"How would you know about that?" Sylar asked sceptically, raising a SYBROW.

"Stop talking you pie-refusing jerk!!!" Elle exclaimed, and then zapped Sylar's side so he would jump away in a twitchy manner.

So then Noah, Elle and Sylar went to India and then proceeded by all taking naps randomly in the streets. When they opened their eyes they were in a train station, full of Indian people dancing to some kind of electric screeching music.

"JAI HO!!!!!" they flailed their arms around wildly and stomped around wildly also, sequentially crushing all of them except Noah, who was too AWESOME to be crushed because he was SNEAKY.

"Get out of my way!" Noah said, trying to push past them in their simultaneous song and dance. "What is with these Indian people?" Noah looked around and walked over to a little boy who was holding a soccer ball, surrounded in a huge circle of many other little kids.

Mohinder was there speaking to him, seemingly begging him for answers.

"You came to me in my dream last night." Mohinder said. Noah grabbed Mohinder by the arm despite his protestations and threats of genetics and such —and then threw him aside like a gross taco Sylar ate once.

"Are you the Little Boy from Mohinder's dreams/Sanjog Iyer?"

The Little Boy with a soccer ball only knew one thing; his lines.

"I don't come to anyone. They come to me."

"Well, great. I'm glad that works for you. I'm looking for my HRG. You know, the cool ones."

"They have questions that need answers."

"What?" Noah asked, sensing a deep wisdom about this boy, or perhaps the fact that he was saying the wrong lines.

"[_chuckles_] Yes. You do."

"That makes absolutely _no fucking sense_ to what I just said. But I think it's wise." Noah mused, trying to find the meaning behind his words like when he worked for the Company.

"You already have the answers you seek." he said.

"Um, no, obviously I don't or I wouldn't be here." Noah looked at him with a raised eyebrow, which pretty much meant he was being a boob.

The little boy handed him a key, his hand flat out. There was also a note. It said: Yes…I know of such glasses. Take this key. It will aid you.

"What is that key for?" The little boy motioned to the second part of the note, which was strange because HOW WAS HIS REPLY ALREADY WRITTEN?!?

Well I already gave Mohinder my secret drawer key…so now I will tell you what this one is; it is the key to my heart!

"Ew, gross." Noah said., breaking the joyful sounds. "No thank you."

"Okay, fine." the little boy said flatly. "Then I'll tell you this instead; the one you call your son may be the key." Noah gasped. Suddenly realization swept over him….

"DO YOU MEAN CLAIRE?"


End file.
